The Guilty Parent

Ever wonder if you're a bad parent?

Up until now, I have largely refrained from commenting on parenting since, as yet, I have exactly no experience parenting my own children.  Now that I am staring down the barrel at being a dad myself, I thought I would post some of my musings.  I’m posting these not because I think these musings are absolute, gospel truth, or even helpful, but more to start some discussions and to clear the air in my head (that’s right, I said “air in my head”).

My first musing is on the guilty parent. I hear far too few Christian teachers and authors commenting on how the Gospel impacts parenting.  One need I see for the Gospel to be applied to how we parent is by taking away guilt.  Let me explain what I mean by that.  Imagine this scene: Mommy and Daddy take Tommy over to Bob and Lisa’s house for dinner.  At first, Tommy shyly looks through daddy’s legs until he gets comfortable with his new environment.  Bob gets down and tries to help Tommy feel comfortable by rolling a toy car to him.  Tommy picks up the toy car and excitedly throws it at Bob’s head.  Daddy smiles sheepishly while he fawns over how cute Tommy is.  Bob is not impressed.  Next Tommy traipses over to a shelf and pulls off a very expensive figurine.  Lisa asks him politely not to play with it.  Tommy ignores her and begins to walk away with the figurine.  Lisa walks over and takes the figurine from Tommy.  Tommy bursts into tears, and mommy swoops him up and begins comforting him.  After he calms down, he walks over and picks the figurine up again.  This time, Lisa leaves him alone.  It’s not worth it.

Now think of this scene.  Mommy takes Timmy over to his friend’s house for a play date.  Mommy sits down with her friend Suzy to have a cup of coffee and some adult conversation.  While they are talking, the two kids come romping into the kitchen and crash into the kitchen table, spilling the coffee and interrupting Mommy’s conversation. 

Read Full Post »

A Smorgasbord of Parenting Resources

I recently asked a good friend and pastor whom I respect and admire tremendously what resources he used to parent his children, and he sent me this great list. I normally don’t post personal correspondences, but I thought this was just too helpful. So, I’ve removed all personal preferences. I hope that some of these resources may help some of you. Also, feel free to post things that have been helpful in your own parenting!”

1 – Tedd Tripp (not his brother Paul David) has written two books that he has also made into a dvd series.
• Shepherding your child’s heart – http://www.amazon.com/Shepherding-Childs-Heart-Tedd-Tripp/dp/0966378601/ref=pd_sim_b_5
• Instructing your child’s heart – http://www.amazon.com/Instructing-Childs-Heart-Tedd-Tripp/dp/0981540007/ref=pd_sim_b_2

Here are some youtube vids that would be helpful to watch:
•
•
We have both the books and the DVD series in our church library.

2 – Paul David Tripp has also written a book that is helpful. It is aimed at parenting teens but I think every young parent should read it so they can know where they should be going
• Age of Opportunity – http://www.amazon.com/Age-Opportunity-Biblical-Parenting-Resources/dp/0875526055/ref=pd_sim_b_6
• youtube link –

Also, this is the other book I was telling you about:

3 – Tim Kimmel has written Grace Based Parenting. Really good stuff.
• Grace Based Parenting – http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Based-Parenting-Dr-Tim-Kimmel/dp/0849905486
• youtube link –
• Video Series – http://www.familymatters.net/grace-based_parenting/Video_Study/index.asp (look at the video on this page. Kimmel is a little bit ‘marketing’ cheesy).

Now, GBP is not as reformed as I would like it. It is a little too “rock and roll” – in other words, Tim Kimmel is a bit cheesy. Watch the video above and you’ll see what I mean. But, that said, he has some really great things to say, especially in the area of practical application. For that reason, my wife liked Kimmel. It had the practical app – 1,2,3,s that she found helpful. It was Dobson-like in its practicality, but coming from a grace perspective.

So, we took Tripp’s stuff as our base line (that stuff is pure bedrock. Foundational, Biblical, reformed, grace, beautiful stuff). Then we used some of Kimmel’s stuff to fill in the blanks. We also prayerfully thought through how this worked for us. In other words, ultimately we are the parenting instruments that God is going to use. We are different than Tripp or Kimmel. We are unique. So what is the unique way that God would apply the truth of his Word to our particular lives. It wouldn’t look exactly the same as Tedd Tripp. For one thing, I don’t have a cool mustache like that. I mean, if I were a kid and my dad had that mustache, I’d do whatever he said. But, I don’t have that. So, we have to go with what God gives us.

Read Full Post »

Grace Based Parenting

As Shelly and I prepare for the birth of our first son, child-rearing has, naturally, been on my mind. I fully realize that all my theories will be put to the test as soon as our Bouncing Baby Boyd enters the world. That being said, the one burdening concern on my mind and heart over how to raise my children is this, unless I raise them to know Jesus, everything I’ve done has been in vain. I think it is fully possible to teach and raise a child in such a way that they are successful, happy, well-adjusted, and normal, and yet still not know Jesus. This came home to me today as I was reading a secular blog post on child-rearing from The Art of Manliness. In this article, the author says

“Criticize behavior, not character. Holding your kid accountable for what they do is crucial, but how you go about it is very important. Criticism of children’s character, of their self, teaches them that their problem or fault is permanent and pervasive. This breeds passivity as the child will feel like there’s nothing he or she can do to change. But criticizing behavior teaches them that the problem is temporary and limited in nature; it’s solvable and something they can work to change and overcome.”

Is that an important lesson for a child to learn? The idea is, if they become focused on their character flaws, they will see them as insurmountable obstacles and be reduced to a life of despair. On the other hand, if they focus on behavior, they can put their failures behind them and move on. Will this kind of parenting produce a successful child? Maybe. Will it produce a Christian one? Maybe not.  We need to ask the question, is it true that ‘the problem is temporary and limited in nature,’ or ‘that their problem or fault is permanent and pervasive.’  The Scriptures teach us that every motivation of our hearts is always evil continually.  When we try to do good, sin is, as St Paul says, ever with us.  Moreover, the Gospel of Jesus is not for people with a temporary changeable problem.  Rather, the Gospel is for sinners who cannot help themselves.  What do we communicate to our children when we teach them that they can overcome their flaws on their own? How do we teach them, instead, to know that ‘without [Christ, they] can do nothing’ (John 15:5)?  Teaching our children that there’s nothing they can do to change will only breed passivity if we don’t teach them to call on the only one who can change them.

Read Full Post »

Let’s Destroy Self-Esteem!

Here are two articles here and here on the detrimental effect that our self esteem culture has had on our children’s ability to succeed. You can contrast them with that great English Puritan, John Owen. Enjoy!

“We’ve even had experiences here at Focus on the Family with our Human Resources department where young, new employees right out of college come in for an entry-level position and they expect to have a corner office with a view of Pike’s Peak and a nice salary with big perks — and they’re kind of surprised to learn that that’s not in the cards for them,” he notes. “So I do believe we really are setting up kids for failure and frustration if we lead them to believe that life is going to be a bed of roses and that the world owes them everything on a silver platter.”

Read Full Post »

From a wayward child…

Abraham Piper is the son of John Piper, one of my personal heroes.  John Piper is one of the men responsible for igniting in me a passion for proclaiming Christ through God’s word.  Abraham was his wayward son.  For years John and his wife, Noel, grieved over the wayward lifestyle of their son who had been immersed in the rock and roll culture, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and much worse, grown far from Jesus.  These are Abraham’s words of wisdom to parents who’s children are wandering away.  My thought is that every parent will prosper from hearing these words:

“Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I’ve never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.

1. Point them to Christ.

Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them—and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions—is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.”
Abraham Piper
Read the rest Here

Read Full Post »